Sometimes I have to ask myself that. I can't tell if I'm avoiding my future or making smart choices for my career.
I got my undergraduate degree in something that I'm good at, and moderately passionate about. The same holds true currently for my Master's. Would I enjoy this career? Absolutely. But if you asked me what I want to be more than anything when I grow up? Wouldn't be the same answer at all.
I want to be a performer. I have a habit of putting myself down before I ever get to an audition, and for many reasons. The first would be the time commitment. I am so busy during the school year as it is, involved in both band and choir ensembles, as well as my classes and private lessons. Being in a show that would require rehearsals nearly every night would be simply impossible for me.
The second issue is my lack of proper experience. I was in a musical at the Lyric Opera in Kansas City as a child, and in high school I was in the 3 musicals that they put on. None of my roles were the lead, or even supporting. I was usually chorus, and might have a line or two of varying parts that help further the plot. But I DREAMED of the spotlight; to be Mrs. Dolly Levi walking down those steps in a sultry gold dress and feathers in my hair.
The third, and possibly hardest issue to tackle, is feeling like I'm not good enough. I get put down really easily, and intimidated much quicker. Before auditions I would sit with the other girls and they would tell me all the reasons why they would get the part that they want, why they would be best for it, and why the director agreed. Somehow I let that get to my brain, and I screw up my auditions. Not terribly, but enough to see that I wouldn't get a lead. And that will probably always hurt. That I can defeat myself before I ever begin.
I wish I had better confidence in myself. As far as looks; hair, clothing style, and make up, I do fine! I can rock out any outfit you give me, and I will wear it with confidence and attitude. If you want me to rock a song for an audition, well, that's a completely other story. My voice doesn't like to work with me when I need it most.
I guess you would say I have a bad case of stage fright. And you would be right. Over the last 4 years of my undergrad, I tried to figure out how to fix my stage fright, but with no avail. I can sing fine in front of just about anyone, unless they are judging me for a grade or a part.
Something I wanted to do (but made excuses and was too scared to try) was to get an internship with Disney this summer. They have performing internships from a few months to a year, either has dancers, singers, or acting as the characters. I know in my heart I could do it; I grew up watching and quoting the movies and characters since I was little, and it would feel like playing dress up. I convinced myself that they wouldn't like my voice, and that I'm not ready to fail in such epic proportions yet.
A part of me still wants to try. A part of me wants to try this upcoming summer, but alas, it looks like a trip to Germany is in the making in May, and would possibly conflict with such cruise lines or theme park shows. I need to find my voice again. I want to become good. I want to become so good that everyone will wonder why no one picked me before.
But...
Maybe it's just a silly dream, after all.
http://corporate.disney.go.com/auditions/index.html
Friday, June 17, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
I'm thankful for...
I decided to not let my last online verbiage be negative, so I'm back to blog some more. I seem to often ramble upon what confuses me about other people and their actions, but right now I'm going to take a moment to reflect on the positives.
First and foremost, I am thankful for my amazing family. I have, of course, a huge extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins, and second cousins (both my parents come from farm families), but right now I want to focus on my immediate family.
My sister, Michaela and her husband, Andrew. She's a joy and inspiration every day in my life. She got married last year and for the first time in my life I feel truly lonely because I now live without any of my family (she was my roommate throughout my undergrad). I love that I get to catch up with her on Facebook and chat with her while we play scrabble online and talk about our crazy pets. We also pray for each other about jobs, managing money, and relationships (not just with significant others, but with friends, too). Andrew complements her personality quite well. He got a good job and a house for them to move into once they were married, and has helped her tone down her (used to be) slightly erratic shopping addictions. I am thankful that they keep me aware of real life jobs, responsibilities, and struggles that lie before me after my (2nd) college graduation.
My brother, Christopher. Yeah, he's a lot younger than me (11 years, and yes, he was planned), and it has been really hard to form a friendship and bond with him. My parents began having lots of problems with he was really young, and Michaela and I were both in college when they got divorced. He is getting quite a different upbringing than what my sister and I had, and that's hard for me to digest sometimes. Make no mistake that I love this boy, and want to grow a friendship with him that he will be able to rely on in years to come. Right now I don't try to pretend I'm interested in all the video game and manga books he is into, but eventually I'm sure we will find more likes and dislikes in common. I want to thank him for keeping me young at heart and reminding me to be grateful for what I have.
My dad and his girlfriend, Michelle. My dad is, well, my dad. He has always had time consuming jobs from the time I was little (teacher, then police officer), but time with dad was always fun. He is probably who instilled in me my love of motion pictures. I absolutely LOVE movies. And also because of him, I learned to quote movie lines, which became our favorite game while waiting for food at restaurants. I can memorize and quote lines from nearly every movie I watch. Dad has his faults, of course, such as being in love with junk, and being good at collecting it, but I can never thank him enough for his inspirational dedication. He really taught me that dedication is what pays off in the long run, not looks or money. And Michelle? She's such a positive person, and has really helped my dad come alive again. She's a no nonsense kind of girl, and helps keep him in check. :)
My mother and her new husband, Bobby. My mom is the most generous person I know. She would rather go in debt and live on ramen and crackers than ever let me go without milk and bread in my fridge or gas in my car. I used to disagree with her on nearly everything, but now as an adult I appreciate her and all the sacrifices that she does for me and what she believes in. Let me just warn you, you don't want her on the head of a committee unless you want it to turn out 10000x better than you originally planned, because she will put her whole soul (figuratively, of course) into that project. Bobby is quiet and loving, and quite a good scrabble player. I enjoy his cool head in chaotic family moments, and even brings in humor (bad, but it's the effort that counts).
Step brother, Taylor. He's Bobby's son, and just about one of the bluntest and most creative people I know. Most of his emails and screen names make absolutely no sense until you ask him to explain them, and he doesn't have a problem telling you if he thinks your idea is lame. We all need that person in our lives; the one who tells us that we have a terrible idea and it would be much easier if we did this instead of that, or if our choice of hair dye was a total disaster. Maybe if celebrities had friends like this, they'd stay out of the tabloids as 'worst dressed'. :)
I promised myself I would just stick to immediate family today, so that's what I did! Next time I'll post about my amazing friends, and let me tell you, you will be jealous. :) Have a blessed day/evening, everyone!
First and foremost, I am thankful for my amazing family. I have, of course, a huge extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins, and second cousins (both my parents come from farm families), but right now I want to focus on my immediate family.
I promised myself I would just stick to immediate family today, so that's what I did! Next time I'll post about my amazing friends, and let me tell you, you will be jealous. :) Have a blessed day/evening, everyone!
Dishonesty: Pet peeve of the day
Dishonesty can come in many forms. Usually in the form of a lie.
I feel there has been a huge outbreak of dishonest people since I grew up, but perhaps the naive rosy-colored glasses just finally came off. Who knows.
I can't say that I never lie. That would be a lie. Sometimes we lie, and we don't even realize it until the words are already leaving our mouths. It was a good idea in our heads... but it's not 100% true.
Lying and dishonestly really started bugging me while student teaching at a high school. Being a teacher does not make you blind, contrary to popular teenager beliefs, so when I'd tell a student to put away a cell phone, it most likely meant (9/10 times) that I actually SAW the cell phone out.
The number 1 response I got back? "I don't have my cell phone out."
Okay. I'm a college kid, right? I'm not gonna sit here and tell you've I've never taken out my cell phone in class to text or read a message. I have. And I know it's rude. I also know that it can become a random habit of simply checking; where your brain is on autopilot and you aren't thinking about the fact that you're in class and not supposed to do that.
I UNDERSTAND THAT.
What I DON'T understand, is why they lie and say they don't have it out. 9 out of those 10 times I walk up to the student and blatantly look in their folder, or hand behind their back, and guess what? There's a cell phone in it. Then I go through the process of the warning, then that the cell phone will be taken if it's out again, and after so many instances reported to parents and the office, and blah, blah, BLAH.
I would've been just FINE if they apologized or gave a surprised and sorry glance and just put it away without another word. Hey, I wouldn't have to stop teaching the whole class!! What a concept!
But why did I have to stop class? Because the students were dishonest with me. The easy route would've just been to accept they'd been caught and put it away. Why is that so hard? I don't think I'll ever fully know the answer.
Of course, it's not just in the classroom. Witnessed dishonesty today. My mom drove me back to my apartment in my college town today because I've been having car troubles, and she tried to help someone in need that deceived her.
A woman approached my mom in the parking lot while she was about to get jumper cables out of the back of my car, and the woman asked to use her cell phone to call an 800 number (free, in case you don't know), so that she could activate her new cell phone that she'd just bought. Mom obliged, and this woman made her phone call within hearing range, and began arguing with someone named Gary about sending her money to make her phone work, about his lack of help in getting her a plane ticket, etc, etc. She kept dropping a handful of papers, including Social Security cards while she talked. She gave my mom her phone back, thanked her, and walked off weaving between houses and the apartment complex. Mom checked the phone number and go figure, it wasn't an 800 number, but rather a long distance phone call. Not only that, but she had dropped a SS card outside the front of my apartment, and wouldn't you know, it wasn't hers.
Mom wasn't really mad that the woman made a long distance call. Mom was upset and hurt that this woman hadn't been honest with her in the first place. My mom has free long distance minutes, so it's not going to cost her extra on our phone bill, but she was very offended at the fact that this woman had made such an ordeal over a story that wasn't even true. My mother is a generous person, but this is not exactly going to encourage her to be generous to strangers in need.
Most people just shrug it off, but I worry about these people. How deep are the lies? Do the lies rule their lives? Or do they actually get to be who they really are? I wonder if people realize that lies can start off small, but they have to keep growing and you have to remember just what you told everyone. It may hurt, but isn't it easier to just tell the truth in the first place?
"Yes, Ms. ______. I'm sorry, I'll put it away."
"Excuse me, ma'am, could I borrow your phone? I need to call my ______ from ______ because I need him to send me money to help me turn my phone on."
I feel there has been a huge outbreak of dishonest people since I grew up, but perhaps the naive rosy-colored glasses just finally came off. Who knows.
I can't say that I never lie. That would be a lie. Sometimes we lie, and we don't even realize it until the words are already leaving our mouths. It was a good idea in our heads... but it's not 100% true.
Lying and dishonestly really started bugging me while student teaching at a high school. Being a teacher does not make you blind, contrary to popular teenager beliefs, so when I'd tell a student to put away a cell phone, it most likely meant (9/10 times) that I actually SAW the cell phone out.
The number 1 response I got back? "I don't have my cell phone out."
Okay. I'm a college kid, right? I'm not gonna sit here and tell you've I've never taken out my cell phone in class to text or read a message. I have. And I know it's rude. I also know that it can become a random habit of simply checking; where your brain is on autopilot and you aren't thinking about the fact that you're in class and not supposed to do that.
I UNDERSTAND THAT.
What I DON'T understand, is why they lie and say they don't have it out. 9 out of those 10 times I walk up to the student and blatantly look in their folder, or hand behind their back, and guess what? There's a cell phone in it. Then I go through the process of the warning, then that the cell phone will be taken if it's out again, and after so many instances reported to parents and the office, and blah, blah, BLAH.
I would've been just FINE if they apologized or gave a surprised and sorry glance and just put it away without another word. Hey, I wouldn't have to stop teaching the whole class!! What a concept!
But why did I have to stop class? Because the students were dishonest with me. The easy route would've just been to accept they'd been caught and put it away. Why is that so hard? I don't think I'll ever fully know the answer.
Of course, it's not just in the classroom. Witnessed dishonesty today. My mom drove me back to my apartment in my college town today because I've been having car troubles, and she tried to help someone in need that deceived her.
A woman approached my mom in the parking lot while she was about to get jumper cables out of the back of my car, and the woman asked to use her cell phone to call an 800 number (free, in case you don't know), so that she could activate her new cell phone that she'd just bought. Mom obliged, and this woman made her phone call within hearing range, and began arguing with someone named Gary about sending her money to make her phone work, about his lack of help in getting her a plane ticket, etc, etc. She kept dropping a handful of papers, including Social Security cards while she talked. She gave my mom her phone back, thanked her, and walked off weaving between houses and the apartment complex. Mom checked the phone number and go figure, it wasn't an 800 number, but rather a long distance phone call. Not only that, but she had dropped a SS card outside the front of my apartment, and wouldn't you know, it wasn't hers.
Mom wasn't really mad that the woman made a long distance call. Mom was upset and hurt that this woman hadn't been honest with her in the first place. My mom has free long distance minutes, so it's not going to cost her extra on our phone bill, but she was very offended at the fact that this woman had made such an ordeal over a story that wasn't even true. My mother is a generous person, but this is not exactly going to encourage her to be generous to strangers in need.
Most people just shrug it off, but I worry about these people. How deep are the lies? Do the lies rule their lives? Or do they actually get to be who they really are? I wonder if people realize that lies can start off small, but they have to keep growing and you have to remember just what you told everyone. It may hurt, but isn't it easier to just tell the truth in the first place?
"Yes, Ms. ______. I'm sorry, I'll put it away."
"Excuse me, ma'am, could I borrow your phone? I need to call my ______ from ______ because I need him to send me money to help me turn my phone on."
Friday, May 27, 2011
Getting Raptured
I know. Everyone has been posting about this. The day of the second coming of the Lord. Being a Christian myself, I have heard many various sermons and discussions over this topic, but they never really made sense to me. Books and movies describing their beliefs have become popular in both sacred and secular situations, such as the "Left Behind" series. The scripture quoted is in such weird terminology, what I refer to as unused old English, requires every few words to be given text alternatives and explanations. What gets me is that the word 'rapture' is never in the English translated Bible. I am not here to disprove anyones beliefs; all I ask is that you just read the next few paragraphs with an open mind and an open heart.
Recently, I've been attending a sort of house church with a friend who had his Bachelor's in Biblical Studies, and is finishing his Master's in Religious Studies. Not only has he read the Bible thoroughly, but he's studied it in it's original text origins of both the Greek and Latin Bibles. The text that most Christians recognize in regarding to the Rapture is from the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 24:36-44. This is how it reads from my King James Bible that was given to me a few years ago:
"But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only. But as the days of Noah were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. For as in the days that were before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noah entered the ark, And knew not until the flood came, and took them all away; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Then shall two be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left. Two women shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left. Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come. But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up. Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh."
To put an overview of what I've been taught, the basic idea of the rapture is that God will take up his true believers and followers before the second coming of the Son, so that His people will avoid the suffering and tribulations that the Earth will endure while the Antichrist is taking over the powers of the governments, and then in 7 years the revelation will occur, when Christ returns with his people to end the Earth.
People have been predicting the end of the world since the time of the Aztecs (who believe the end of the world is 2012), and there are Christian groups that believe the rapture happened on May 21st, 2011, and that on October 21st the actual judgement will occur. If you want to read some of these philosophies and their Biblical 'references,' here's a link: http://www.ebiblefellowship.com/outreach/tracts/may21/ .
I have several problems with these philosophies, the first being with the first verse I quoted, that "But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only." To me, this literally means, no matter how good we are at predicting, we really do not know the day or hour that God is coming. If you believe it is May 21st, 2011, or October 21st, 2011, then I will automatically assume you are wrong. No man knows the day or hour. Some verses I can't translate literally, but this is pretty straight forward in my eyes.
The next problem is one that I'd never taken the time to ponder until I was at this house church. If you read above, the next verse says that "But as the days of Noah were, so shall also be the coming of the Son of man be." If you only read that verse or line, you could say it's a simile, because it makes a comparison using the word 'as'. Okay, so the day of the Son of man will be like the days of Noah. What were the days of Noah like? Well, if you go back into Genesis, chapter 6 (all of it, but for purpose I will just quote 9-14), you would read the following in the King James:
"These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God. And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japeth. The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth. Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch."
Anyone who grew up in a church knows the story and what happens next: Noah and his sons build the ark according to God's directions, gather food and supplies, and fill it with God's creatures, and are essentially saved from the floods that wiped out the people of the earth.
Going back to the simile above... the Son of man will be like the days of Noah. I have understood my whole life that the believers will be taken to heaven while the Earth goes through suffering. Well, who was taken and who was left in the times of Noah? Noah and his family were left on Earth, the wicked were taken. If the day of the Son of man will be the same, then I would deduce that the wicked would be taken, not the 'saved.' And up until this day, this day of the Son of man, people will be getting married, working in fields and mills, and living their daily lives.
Now the Bible does include the book of Revelations, which is used as a timeline for those who make predictions of the end of the world. Revelations is more than just a book of predictions; there are three main sections: the past, the present, and future. People like to read mostly from the future section, in which the outline of the Christ and his second coming are referred, as well as lists of the tribulations the Earth will endure. Where do we see which are left and which are taken? I have not found it there, but I'm willing to read any passages you believe would disagree with this completely opposite of the widely accepted Christian view of the rapture. In reality, this widely accepted view of rapture is very new, only introduced in the 16th and 17th centuries. You can read more about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rapture, under Doctrinal history.
I do not ask you to agree with me. I do not think that I necessarily have all my ideas in order, but rather, that I am studying, and want to learn more. From what I have recently read, I believe that when this day of the Lord comes, I would much rather be with the group 'left behind,' and not taken.
Recently, I've been attending a sort of house church with a friend who had his Bachelor's in Biblical Studies, and is finishing his Master's in Religious Studies. Not only has he read the Bible thoroughly, but he's studied it in it's original text origins of both the Greek and Latin Bibles. The text that most Christians recognize in regarding to the Rapture is from the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 24:36-44. This is how it reads from my King James Bible that was given to me a few years ago:
"But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only. But as the days of Noah were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. For as in the days that were before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noah entered the ark, And knew not until the flood came, and took them all away; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Then shall two be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left. Two women shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left. Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come. But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up. Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh."
To put an overview of what I've been taught, the basic idea of the rapture is that God will take up his true believers and followers before the second coming of the Son, so that His people will avoid the suffering and tribulations that the Earth will endure while the Antichrist is taking over the powers of the governments, and then in 7 years the revelation will occur, when Christ returns with his people to end the Earth.
People have been predicting the end of the world since the time of the Aztecs (who believe the end of the world is 2012), and there are Christian groups that believe the rapture happened on May 21st, 2011, and that on October 21st the actual judgement will occur. If you want to read some of these philosophies and their Biblical 'references,' here's a link: http://www.ebiblefellowship.com/outreach/tracts/may21/ .
I have several problems with these philosophies, the first being with the first verse I quoted, that "But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only." To me, this literally means, no matter how good we are at predicting, we really do not know the day or hour that God is coming. If you believe it is May 21st, 2011, or October 21st, 2011, then I will automatically assume you are wrong. No man knows the day or hour. Some verses I can't translate literally, but this is pretty straight forward in my eyes.
The next problem is one that I'd never taken the time to ponder until I was at this house church. If you read above, the next verse says that "But as the days of Noah were, so shall also be the coming of the Son of man be." If you only read that verse or line, you could say it's a simile, because it makes a comparison using the word 'as'. Okay, so the day of the Son of man will be like the days of Noah. What were the days of Noah like? Well, if you go back into Genesis, chapter 6 (all of it, but for purpose I will just quote 9-14), you would read the following in the King James:
"These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God. And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japeth. The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth. Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch."
Anyone who grew up in a church knows the story and what happens next: Noah and his sons build the ark according to God's directions, gather food and supplies, and fill it with God's creatures, and are essentially saved from the floods that wiped out the people of the earth.
Going back to the simile above... the Son of man will be like the days of Noah. I have understood my whole life that the believers will be taken to heaven while the Earth goes through suffering. Well, who was taken and who was left in the times of Noah? Noah and his family were left on Earth, the wicked were taken. If the day of the Son of man will be the same, then I would deduce that the wicked would be taken, not the 'saved.' And up until this day, this day of the Son of man, people will be getting married, working in fields and mills, and living their daily lives.
Now the Bible does include the book of Revelations, which is used as a timeline for those who make predictions of the end of the world. Revelations is more than just a book of predictions; there are three main sections: the past, the present, and future. People like to read mostly from the future section, in which the outline of the Christ and his second coming are referred, as well as lists of the tribulations the Earth will endure. Where do we see which are left and which are taken? I have not found it there, but I'm willing to read any passages you believe would disagree with this completely opposite of the widely accepted Christian view of the rapture. In reality, this widely accepted view of rapture is very new, only introduced in the 16th and 17th centuries. You can read more about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rapture, under Doctrinal history.
I do not ask you to agree with me. I do not think that I necessarily have all my ideas in order, but rather, that I am studying, and want to learn more. From what I have recently read, I believe that when this day of the Lord comes, I would much rather be with the group 'left behind,' and not taken.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Drama-obsessed People- part II
When do you tell a person that you honestly don't give two cents to their drama they want to share? Especially when it's not even their own drama, but someone else's?
See, I haven't been too careful of doing that myself. Sometimes when I feel a bit superior over an ex-boyfriend and want to make sure the person I'm talking to knows why I'm better, I'll share information that is not relative to my situation at all that makes the other person look bad. I'm even friends with some of my old boyfriends. Why would I do that?
I'd easily like to blame someone else, but if you've read my blog before, you know how I feel about that already. It's true, this style of gossiping is a learned behavior, but I can also take charge of my life and try to live differently.
How do we stop this vicious cycle?
To tell the truth, I don't know that I have the full answer to this. I think it might be different for each of us.
For me, probably the first step would be to let the past die. If I have truly forgiven someone, then I have no reason to share past offences against me with other people. It's not their business. The only reason to share such information is to change that person's view on another in a bad light. Isn't the world hard enough without everyone giving you the cold shoulder before you get to prove you've changed for the better?
That part starts with me, and I even already broke this today. I talked badly about an ex unnecessarily. I want to become conscious of my inclinations to talk badly about other people, and nip it in the bud.
So that would hopefully help my problem, but what about everyone else?
Well, first, make sure you diagnose the situation correctly. Sometimes a friend needs a shoulder to cry on or get advice, so details of too much information may come with the territory. What I want to avoid are situations where a person is talked about simply to have their credibility diminished. An act of revenge, revelation of a scandal, etc. Not my business.
So... how would you want me to politely tell you that I'm not interested in hearing how much a 'girl hates you for no apparent reason and these are the reasons why I don't care,' or that 'at a party my ex-boyfriend's fiancée took off her ring to appear single while dancing with other guys'? It's not that I don't love you. I just want the bad-mouthing to stop. Starting with me.
Will you stand with me? Will you help keep me accountable?
See, I haven't been too careful of doing that myself. Sometimes when I feel a bit superior over an ex-boyfriend and want to make sure the person I'm talking to knows why I'm better, I'll share information that is not relative to my situation at all that makes the other person look bad. I'm even friends with some of my old boyfriends. Why would I do that?
I'd easily like to blame someone else, but if you've read my blog before, you know how I feel about that already. It's true, this style of gossiping is a learned behavior, but I can also take charge of my life and try to live differently.
How do we stop this vicious cycle?
To tell the truth, I don't know that I have the full answer to this. I think it might be different for each of us.
For me, probably the first step would be to let the past die. If I have truly forgiven someone, then I have no reason to share past offences against me with other people. It's not their business. The only reason to share such information is to change that person's view on another in a bad light. Isn't the world hard enough without everyone giving you the cold shoulder before you get to prove you've changed for the better?
That part starts with me, and I even already broke this today. I talked badly about an ex unnecessarily. I want to become conscious of my inclinations to talk badly about other people, and nip it in the bud.
So that would hopefully help my problem, but what about everyone else?
Well, first, make sure you diagnose the situation correctly. Sometimes a friend needs a shoulder to cry on or get advice, so details of too much information may come with the territory. What I want to avoid are situations where a person is talked about simply to have their credibility diminished. An act of revenge, revelation of a scandal, etc. Not my business.
So... how would you want me to politely tell you that I'm not interested in hearing how much a 'girl hates you for no apparent reason and these are the reasons why I don't care,' or that 'at a party my ex-boyfriend's fiancée took off her ring to appear single while dancing with other guys'? It's not that I don't love you. I just want the bad-mouthing to stop. Starting with me.
Will you stand with me? Will you help keep me accountable?
Friday, May 6, 2011
My Recent Obsession...
Baking.
Before you start picturing me in your head as a little miss Betty Crocker with goodies on decorated trays in my kitchen while I stand smiling proudly with flour smudged on my cheek and apron, know that I grew up not knowing how to cook. At all.
When I left for college, I knew how to use the microwave and the toaster and how to follow instructions on a box like for macaroni and cheese and hamburger helper. However, I only made easy, follow-the-box-instructions food. How I have maintained my figure, I'll never know. My family ate out of the home (fast food or sit down restaurant) at least once EVERY DAY. Yes. Sometimes more than once a day.
It wasn't until I went grocery shopping one spring day last year with my current boyfriend that I ever questioned my eating habits. I knew eating out wasn't healthy, so I definitely cut back on that, but I still bought every thing easy that came in a box with all the ingredients included. He saw me grabbing a box of pancake mix, and he asked me, "Why are you buying that?"
"... Because I love pancakes. And waffles. A lot. I make them all the time!"
"I know, but why don't you just buy flour and sugar? That's way cheaper."
"You mean, like, make it? From scratch? I don't know how to do that!"
*rolls his eyes* "It's super easy, I promise. And it's more cost efficient." (Yes, he really does talk this way)
"Um... Okay..."
Don't judge me. It's not like we're all born knowing how to cook. Someone teaches us. My mother is a good cook, but she doesn't like how time consuming it is and all the dishes that come with it, hence why I grew up eating a lot of take out. I have had a lot of free time at college on weekends and evenings, so I have slowly but surely started using recipes to make food from scratch.
I joined Allrecipes.com, which is a free online archive of thousands of recipes all submitted by other members, and I can read ratings, comments with additions/subtractions/general suggestions, and save an online recipe book of my favorites. It started with pancakes/waffles, then gradually moved on to biscuits, crepes, cakes, muffins, pies, soups, and even shake and bake chicken. I spend 90% of my money on groceries now so I can have more things to make in my kitchen, and I love every minute of it. Like today, I baked strawberry banana muffins (use half recipe: http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Strawnana-Bread/Detail.aspx) and banana bread (used a home recipe from my boyfriend's mother).
I have even become adventurous enough to make my own little creations, such as a delicious stir fry using whatever meat I have on hand as the base, fresh vegetables sliced and diced such as carrots and broccoli, an egg, and spices such as fajita seasoning and garlic salt. Serve on hot white rice and you have yourself an awesome dinner. I definitely don't think I'll ever be on Top Chef, but hopefully I will be able to make delicious meals for my future husband and children someday.
Before you start picturing me in your head as a little miss Betty Crocker with goodies on decorated trays in my kitchen while I stand smiling proudly with flour smudged on my cheek and apron, know that I grew up not knowing how to cook. At all.
When I left for college, I knew how to use the microwave and the toaster and how to follow instructions on a box like for macaroni and cheese and hamburger helper. However, I only made easy, follow-the-box-instructions food. How I have maintained my figure, I'll never know. My family ate out of the home (fast food or sit down restaurant) at least once EVERY DAY. Yes. Sometimes more than once a day.
It wasn't until I went grocery shopping one spring day last year with my current boyfriend that I ever questioned my eating habits. I knew eating out wasn't healthy, so I definitely cut back on that, but I still bought every thing easy that came in a box with all the ingredients included. He saw me grabbing a box of pancake mix, and he asked me, "Why are you buying that?"
"... Because I love pancakes. And waffles. A lot. I make them all the time!"
"I know, but why don't you just buy flour and sugar? That's way cheaper."
"You mean, like, make it? From scratch? I don't know how to do that!"
*rolls his eyes* "It's super easy, I promise. And it's more cost efficient." (Yes, he really does talk this way)
"Um... Okay..."
Don't judge me. It's not like we're all born knowing how to cook. Someone teaches us. My mother is a good cook, but she doesn't like how time consuming it is and all the dishes that come with it, hence why I grew up eating a lot of take out. I have had a lot of free time at college on weekends and evenings, so I have slowly but surely started using recipes to make food from scratch.
I joined Allrecipes.com, which is a free online archive of thousands of recipes all submitted by other members, and I can read ratings, comments with additions/subtractions/general suggestions, and save an online recipe book of my favorites. It started with pancakes/waffles, then gradually moved on to biscuits, crepes, cakes, muffins, pies, soups, and even shake and bake chicken. I spend 90% of my money on groceries now so I can have more things to make in my kitchen, and I love every minute of it. Like today, I baked strawberry banana muffins (use half recipe: http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Strawnana-Bread/Detail.aspx) and banana bread (used a home recipe from my boyfriend's mother).
I have even become adventurous enough to make my own little creations, such as a delicious stir fry using whatever meat I have on hand as the base, fresh vegetables sliced and diced such as carrots and broccoli, an egg, and spices such as fajita seasoning and garlic salt. Serve on hot white rice and you have yourself an awesome dinner. I definitely don't think I'll ever be on Top Chef, but hopefully I will be able to make delicious meals for my future husband and children someday.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Are my pets being baby substitutes???
I'll preface stating that I have two cats, both just under three years old. I won't bore you with details about their adorableness; it will annoy you and it goes without saying anyway.
The thing is, I don't think a lot of people are as attached openly to their pets. I need to make myself admit that when I am gone for a few hours from my apartment, I find myself missing their snuggly, furry company.
I love being needed. I love taking care of them. I love when they take over my lap and take a nap. I even enjoy cleaning up after them. It makes me wonder if my hormones are a little out of whack.
I do want kids someday. I'm in this weird stage in my life where half of my friends and cousins around my age are getting married and having babies. As soon as one wedding happens, another friend is engaged and is planning their wedding. While that is happening, another friend, whose wedding I went to not too long ago, is pregnant, and so there are baby showers being held.
Me? I ended a dysfunctional relationship that took up almost 3 years of my college career, and have now been dating a wonderful guy for a year. I'm not quite ready to make a commitment that means forever yet, but I'm craving the thrills of bachelorette parties, wedding planning, and baby showers. It honestly doesn't help that both my sister AND my mother got married this past summer (just over a month apart, mind you).
I think that I get a little jealous and crave the attention that everyone is getting because someday I do want to get married and have children. I think that the way I keep myself from going nuts is by acting the mommy to my kitty babies. They are definitely independent beings, but they also love me like crazy and are needy for attention when I come in the door.
Another aspect that keeps me in check is that I know that often divorce in America these days contributes to not really getting to know and understand the person you're committing to until after the vows were taken. To me, marriage isn't supposed to be a business contract, where if he screws up on his end of the deal you'll be over and he'll owe you money. It's about being a family. Becoming a single unit. I want to make sure that I know exactly what I'm getting myself into before going down the aisle.
I also know that I don't want to have kids until I am married. There are definitely some great couples out there having children and staying happy without being married. The sad thing is that the happy ending is not what usually happens. I know a girl who lost her virginity to a guy she had just started dating, and even though they used protection, she got pregnant after the first time. She told him, and he wanted her to get rid of it, but she morally could not do so. Now he claims that it was from someone else and that he knew nothing about it. She's definitely a strong girl, and she's going to make it through (she's about 7 months along now), but I know that this isn't what she wanted. I know that she would have much rather wanted a guy who would stick around and want to be a part of her and their child's life. This has really happened to at least 4 friends and personal acquaintances of mine. The guy I'm dating is not this type, but it's easier for me to just avoid all the dramatic possibilities completely.
It's a tough world out there. It is implied in stories that when you love someone that everything will work out, but it doesn't. Better to make the best of everyday, and work through problems with love and understanding as best I can. In the mean time, I will probably continue to spoil my kitty babies with love (not food, one is definitely getting overweight). It calms the desires just enough to hold off until it's really my turn.
The thing is, I don't think a lot of people are as attached openly to their pets. I need to make myself admit that when I am gone for a few hours from my apartment, I find myself missing their snuggly, furry company.
I love being needed. I love taking care of them. I love when they take over my lap and take a nap. I even enjoy cleaning up after them. It makes me wonder if my hormones are a little out of whack.
I do want kids someday. I'm in this weird stage in my life where half of my friends and cousins around my age are getting married and having babies. As soon as one wedding happens, another friend is engaged and is planning their wedding. While that is happening, another friend, whose wedding I went to not too long ago, is pregnant, and so there are baby showers being held.
Me? I ended a dysfunctional relationship that took up almost 3 years of my college career, and have now been dating a wonderful guy for a year. I'm not quite ready to make a commitment that means forever yet, but I'm craving the thrills of bachelorette parties, wedding planning, and baby showers. It honestly doesn't help that both my sister AND my mother got married this past summer (just over a month apart, mind you).
I think that I get a little jealous and crave the attention that everyone is getting because someday I do want to get married and have children. I think that the way I keep myself from going nuts is by acting the mommy to my kitty babies. They are definitely independent beings, but they also love me like crazy and are needy for attention when I come in the door.
Another aspect that keeps me in check is that I know that often divorce in America these days contributes to not really getting to know and understand the person you're committing to until after the vows were taken. To me, marriage isn't supposed to be a business contract, where if he screws up on his end of the deal you'll be over and he'll owe you money. It's about being a family. Becoming a single unit. I want to make sure that I know exactly what I'm getting myself into before going down the aisle.
I also know that I don't want to have kids until I am married. There are definitely some great couples out there having children and staying happy without being married. The sad thing is that the happy ending is not what usually happens. I know a girl who lost her virginity to a guy she had just started dating, and even though they used protection, she got pregnant after the first time. She told him, and he wanted her to get rid of it, but she morally could not do so. Now he claims that it was from someone else and that he knew nothing about it. She's definitely a strong girl, and she's going to make it through (she's about 7 months along now), but I know that this isn't what she wanted. I know that she would have much rather wanted a guy who would stick around and want to be a part of her and their child's life. This has really happened to at least 4 friends and personal acquaintances of mine. The guy I'm dating is not this type, but it's easier for me to just avoid all the dramatic possibilities completely.
It's a tough world out there. It is implied in stories that when you love someone that everything will work out, but it doesn't. Better to make the best of everyday, and work through problems with love and understanding as best I can. In the mean time, I will probably continue to spoil my kitty babies with love (not food, one is definitely getting overweight). It calms the desires just enough to hold off until it's really my turn.
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