Is what I'm doing worthwhile?

Sometimes I have to ask myself that. I can't tell if I'm avoiding my future or making smart choices for my career.

I got my undergraduate degree in something that I'm good at, and moderately passionate about. The same holds true currently for my Master's. Would I enjoy this career? Absolutely. But if you asked me what I want to be more than anything when I grow up? Wouldn't be the same answer at all.

I want to be a performer. I have a habit of putting myself down before I ever get to an audition, and for many reasons. The first would be the time commitment. I am so busy during the school year as it is, involved in both band and choir ensembles, as well as my classes and private lessons. Being in a show that would require rehearsals nearly every night would be simply impossible for me.

The second issue is my lack of proper experience. I was in a musical at the Lyric Opera in Kansas City as a child, and in high school I was in the 3 musicals that they put on. None of my roles were the lead, or even supporting. I was usually chorus, and might have a line or two of varying parts that help further the plot. But I DREAMED of the spotlight; to be Mrs. Dolly Levi walking down those steps in a sultry gold dress and feathers in my hair.

The third, and possibly hardest issue to tackle, is feeling like I'm not good enough. I get put down really easily, and intimidated much quicker. Before auditions I would sit with the other girls and they would tell me all the reasons why they would get the part that they want, why they would be best for it, and why the director agreed. Somehow I let that get to my brain, and I screw up my auditions. Not terribly, but enough to see that I wouldn't get a lead. And that will probably always hurt. That I can defeat myself before I ever begin.

I wish I had better confidence in myself. As far as looks; hair, clothing style, and make up, I do fine! I can rock out any outfit you give me, and I will wear it with confidence and attitude. If you want me to rock a song for an audition, well, that's a completely other story. My voice doesn't like to work with me when I need it most.

I guess you would say I have a bad case of stage fright. And you would be right. Over the last 4 years of my undergrad, I tried to figure out how to fix my stage fright, but with no avail. I can sing fine in front of just about anyone, unless they are judging me for a grade or a part.

Something I wanted to do (but made excuses and was too scared to try) was to get an internship with Disney this summer. They have performing internships from a few months to a year, either has dancers, singers, or acting as the characters. I know in my heart I could do it; I grew up watching and quoting the movies and characters since I was little, and it would feel like playing dress up. I convinced myself that they wouldn't like my voice, and that I'm not ready to fail in such epic proportions yet.

A part of me still wants to try. A part of me wants to try this upcoming summer, but alas, it looks like a trip to Germany is in the making in May, and would possibly conflict with such cruise lines or theme park shows. I need to find my voice again. I want to become good. I want to become so good that everyone will wonder why no one picked me before.

But...

Maybe it's just a silly dream, after all.

http://corporate.disney.go.com/auditions/index.html

I'm thankful for...

I decided to not let my last online verbiage be negative, so I'm back to blog some more. I seem to often ramble upon what confuses me about other people and their actions, but right now I'm going to take a moment to reflect on the positives.

First and foremost, I am thankful for my amazing family. I have, of course, a huge extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins, and second cousins (both my parents come from farm families), but right now I want to focus on my immediate family.

My sister, Michaela and her husband, Andrew. She's a joy and inspiration every day in my life. She got married last year and for the first time in my life I feel truly lonely because I now live without any of my family (she was my roommate throughout my undergrad). I love that I get to catch up with her on Facebook and chat with her while we play scrabble online and talk about our crazy pets. We also pray for each other about jobs, managing money, and relationships (not just with significant others, but with friends, too).  Andrew complements her personality quite well. He got a good job and a house for them to move into once they were married, and has helped her tone down her (used to be) slightly erratic shopping addictions. I am thankful that they keep me aware of real life jobs, responsibilities, and struggles that lie before me after my (2nd) college graduation.

My brother, Christopher. Yeah, he's a lot younger than me (11 years, and yes, he was planned), and it has been really hard to form a friendship and bond with him. My parents began having lots of problems with he was really young, and Michaela and I were both in college when they got divorced. He is getting quite a different upbringing than what my sister and I had, and that's hard for me to digest sometimes. Make no mistake that I love this boy, and want to grow a friendship with him that he will be able to rely on in years to come. Right now I don't try to pretend I'm interested in all the video game and manga books he is into, but eventually I'm sure we will find more likes and dislikes in common. I want to thank him for keeping me young at heart and reminding me to be grateful for what I have.

My dad and his girlfriend, Michelle. My dad is, well, my dad. He has always had time consuming jobs from the time I was little (teacher, then police officer), but time with dad was always fun. He is probably who instilled in me my love of motion pictures. I absolutely LOVE movies. And also because of him, I learned to quote movie lines, which became our favorite game while waiting for food at restaurants. I can memorize and quote lines from nearly every movie I watch. Dad has his faults, of course, such as being in love with junk, and being good at collecting it, but I can never thank him enough for his inspirational dedication. He really taught me that dedication is what pays off in the long run, not looks or money. And Michelle? She's such a positive person, and has really helped my dad come alive again. She's a no nonsense kind of girl, and helps keep him in check. :)

My mother and her new husband, Bobby. My mom is the most generous person I know. She would rather go in debt and live on ramen and crackers than ever let me go without milk and bread in my fridge or gas in my car. I used to disagree with her on nearly everything, but now as an adult I appreciate her and all the sacrifices that she does for me and what she believes in. Let me just warn you, you don't want her on the head of a committee unless you want it to turn out 10000x better than you originally planned, because she will put her whole soul (figuratively, of course) into that project. Bobby is quiet and loving, and quite a good scrabble player. I enjoy his cool head in chaotic family moments, and even brings in humor (bad, but it's the effort that counts).

Step brother, Taylor. He's Bobby's son, and just about one of the bluntest and most creative people I know. Most of his emails and screen names make absolutely no sense until you ask him to explain them, and he doesn't have a problem telling you if he thinks your idea is lame. We all need that person in our lives; the one who tells us that we have a terrible idea and it would be much easier if we did this instead of that, or if our choice of hair dye was a total disaster. Maybe if celebrities had friends like this, they'd stay out of the tabloids as 'worst dressed'. :)

I promised myself I would just stick to immediate family today, so that's what I did! Next time I'll post about my amazing friends, and let me tell you, you will be jealous. :) Have a blessed day/evening, everyone!

Dishonesty: Pet peeve of the day

Dishonesty can come in many forms. Usually in the form of a lie.

I feel there has been a huge outbreak of dishonest people since I grew up, but perhaps the naive rosy-colored glasses just finally came off. Who knows.

I can't say that I never lie. That would be a lie. Sometimes we lie, and we don't even realize it until the words are already leaving our mouths. It was a good idea in our heads... but it's not 100% true.

Lying and dishonestly really started bugging me while student teaching at a high school. Being a teacher does not make you blind, contrary to popular teenager beliefs, so when I'd tell a student to put away a cell phone, it most likely meant (9/10 times) that I actually SAW the cell phone out.

The number 1 response I got back? "I don't have my cell phone out."

Okay. I'm a college kid, right? I'm not gonna sit here and tell you've I've never taken out my cell phone in class to text or read a message. I have. And I know it's rude. I also know that it can become a random habit of simply checking; where your brain is on autopilot and you aren't thinking about the fact that you're in class and not supposed to do that.
I UNDERSTAND THAT.

What I DON'T understand, is why they lie and say they don't have it out. 9 out of those 10 times I walk up to the student and blatantly look in their folder, or hand behind their back, and guess what? There's a cell phone in it. Then I go through the process of the warning, then that the cell phone will be taken if it's out again, and after so many instances reported to parents and the office, and blah, blah, BLAH.

I would've been just FINE if they apologized or gave a surprised and sorry glance and just put it away without another word. Hey, I wouldn't have to stop teaching the whole class!! What a concept!

But why did I have to stop class? Because the students were dishonest with me. The easy route would've just been to accept they'd been caught and put it away. Why is that so hard? I don't think I'll ever fully know the answer.

Of course, it's not just in the classroom. Witnessed dishonesty today. My mom drove me back to my apartment in my college town today because I've been having car troubles, and she tried to help someone in need that deceived her.

A woman approached my mom in the parking lot while she was about to get jumper cables out of the back of my car, and the woman asked to use her cell phone to call an 800 number (free, in case you don't know), so that she could activate her new cell phone that she'd just bought. Mom obliged, and this woman made her phone call within hearing range, and began arguing with someone named Gary about sending her money to make her phone work, about his lack of help in getting her a plane ticket, etc, etc. She kept dropping a handful of papers, including Social Security cards while she talked. She gave my mom her phone back, thanked her, and walked off weaving between houses and the apartment complex. Mom checked the phone number and go figure, it wasn't an 800 number, but rather a long distance phone call. Not only that, but she had dropped a SS card outside the front of my apartment, and wouldn't you know, it wasn't hers.

Mom wasn't really mad that the woman made a long distance call. Mom was upset and hurt that this woman hadn't been honest with her in the first place. My mom has free long distance minutes, so it's not going to cost her extra on our phone bill, but she was very offended at the fact that this woman had made such an ordeal over a story that wasn't even true. My mother is a generous person, but this is not exactly going to encourage her to be generous to strangers in need.

Most people just shrug it off, but I worry about these people. How deep are the lies? Do the lies rule their lives? Or do they actually get to be who they really are? I wonder if people realize that lies can start off small, but they have to keep growing and you have to remember just what you told everyone. It may hurt, but isn't it easier to just tell the truth in the first place?

"Yes, Ms. ______. I'm sorry, I'll put it away."

"Excuse me, ma'am, could I borrow your phone? I need to call my ______ from ______ because I need him to send me money to help me turn my phone on."