Sometimes I have to ask myself that. I can't tell if I'm avoiding my future or making smart choices for my career.
I got my undergraduate degree in something that I'm good at, and moderately passionate about. The same holds true currently for my Master's. Would I enjoy this career? Absolutely. But if you asked me what I want to be more than anything when I grow up? Wouldn't be the same answer at all.
I want to be a performer. I have a habit of putting myself down before I ever get to an audition, and for many reasons. The first would be the time commitment. I am so busy during the school year as it is, involved in both band and choir ensembles, as well as my classes and private lessons. Being in a show that would require rehearsals nearly every night would be simply impossible for me.
The second issue is my lack of proper experience. I was in a musical at the Lyric Opera in Kansas City as a child, and in high school I was in the 3 musicals that they put on. None of my roles were the lead, or even supporting. I was usually chorus, and might have a line or two of varying parts that help further the plot. But I DREAMED of the spotlight; to be Mrs. Dolly Levi walking down those steps in a sultry gold dress and feathers in my hair.
The third, and possibly hardest issue to tackle, is feeling like I'm not good enough. I get put down really easily, and intimidated much quicker. Before auditions I would sit with the other girls and they would tell me all the reasons why they would get the part that they want, why they would be best for it, and why the director agreed. Somehow I let that get to my brain, and I screw up my auditions. Not terribly, but enough to see that I wouldn't get a lead. And that will probably always hurt. That I can defeat myself before I ever begin.
I wish I had better confidence in myself. As far as looks; hair, clothing style, and make up, I do fine! I can rock out any outfit you give me, and I will wear it with confidence and attitude. If you want me to rock a song for an audition, well, that's a completely other story. My voice doesn't like to work with me when I need it most.
I guess you would say I have a bad case of stage fright. And you would be right. Over the last 4 years of my undergrad, I tried to figure out how to fix my stage fright, but with no avail. I can sing fine in front of just about anyone, unless they are judging me for a grade or a part.
Something I wanted to do (but made excuses and was too scared to try) was to get an internship with Disney this summer. They have performing internships from a few months to a year, either has dancers, singers, or acting as the characters. I know in my heart I could do it; I grew up watching and quoting the movies and characters since I was little, and it would feel like playing dress up. I convinced myself that they wouldn't like my voice, and that I'm not ready to fail in such epic proportions yet.
A part of me still wants to try. A part of me wants to try this upcoming summer, but alas, it looks like a trip to Germany is in the making in May, and would possibly conflict with such cruise lines or theme park shows. I need to find my voice again. I want to become good. I want to become so good that everyone will wonder why no one picked me before.
But...
Maybe it's just a silly dream, after all.
http://corporate.disney.go.com/auditions/index.html
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